A Leader with Non-Anxious Presence

I recently came across the term non-anxious presence attributed to a leadership type. And since I had not read that description before I decided to look up its definition. Upon reading it, the story of Joseph Pfeifer came immediately to mind. Joseph Pfeifer was the New York Fire Department Chief on that fateful day in November 2001 when terrorists flew hijacked planes into New York city's Twin Towers. The story of how he handled himself when the first plane struck the North Tower of the World Trade Center and the immediate aftermath after the second plane ploughed into the second tower was still vivid in my mind. It was only a few months earlier, in November last year, that I had watched the documentary '9/11: One Day in America'. Pfeifer's control of himself and his team demonstrated what non-anxious presence leadership is about. He took command of the situation as he would have had to do many times before with the professional oversight and composure garnered over many years of experience. His men followed his lead as they all were the epitome of ‘grace under fire’, showing not only bravery but consistency when everything was inconsistent.

Fire fighters must have non-anxious presence when faced with challenging situations (Source: Media from Wix)

Have you ever been in a situation at home or at work when a serious incident has broken out and all around you is panic, confusion and people looking for answers?

An example could be in a work scenario when the morning starts off with a phone call from the Chief Executive Officer asking why the annual subscription invoice computer run to members, worth millions of dollars did not happen overnight as planned. As the person in-charge it dawns on you that you had noticed a couple of IT technicians frantically hurrying in and out of the company's server room that early morning. And to make matters worse there were three missed calls registered on your mobile phone. What would your immediate reaction be upon hearing, seeing the commotion and realising your missed calls?

Here's another example, this time a situation at home which started off innocently with a quiet afternoon tea and snacks with family members. Then all of a sudden, the calm ambience is broken when the father of the house gives a loud cough. Then immediately, he excuses himself and rushes to the washroom. There he coughs out blood! It is no small amount of blood, but an amount that would cause panic among those in the household. What would you do in that instance?

I am sure there are many similar 'traumatic' situations you would have experienced that would warrant having someone with a calm demeanor or a cool head in charge. It could be as small as seeing your son breaking his tooth in an accident on the basketball court.

In his 1985 book 'Generation to Generation', family therapist Rabbi Edwin Friedman (1932-1996), coined the term “non-anxious presence.” Friedman's hypothesis, later articulated in his book 'A Failure of Nerve - Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix', suggested that effective leadership is deeply intertwined with emotional processes. He emphasized that leaders often fail, not due to a lack of information or technique, but because they lack the courage to stand firm in the face of anxiety and reactivity from others. This "failure of nerve", as described by Friedman can lead to a toxic leadership climate across various sectors including in families, communities, and workplaces. Yet Friedman suggest that in the same situation, a good leader can offer a non-anxious presence that will spread through the same cohort, thus becoming a person of peace in the middle of a storm.

In his book Friedman proposes five concepts where the tussle between toxic vs non-anxious presence leadership can manifest itself in an organisation or community.

1. Emotional Process: Friedman suggest that every organization has an implicit emotional environment that influences its functioning. To be a good leader, with the attributes of non-anxious presence, the leader needs to understand the organizational emotional climate, i.e. the environment the leader is in. It is only then that he or she will have the ability to navigate the nuances of the organisation effectively, without getting sucked into what Friedman calls, its toxic leadership climate. If this is lacking, certainly where a leader is immature, they could invariably be drawn into elements like the organization's 'internal politics', or into a blind servitude of an autocratic leader.

2. Presence of the Leader: A leader's presence is crucial. Friedman describes a "well-differentiated leader" as someone who remains calm and steady. It is a self-differentiated individual who maintains composure and focus during a crisis. Such a leader avoids the 'togetherness pressure' to conform to others' anxiety. In so doing the non-anxious leader does not react to the emotional state of those around them but can still maintain connections with the people. An example of presence of the leader was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. whose nonviolent poise leadership broke cycles of hate with love and provided a "counterweight" to the prevailing anxiety of his time.

Martin Luther King Jr. demonstrated non-anxious presence as he provided a counterweight to the prevailing anxiety of his time (Source: Unsplash)

3. Imaginative Gridlock: Friedman draws parallels between contemporary society and medieval Europe, suggesting that both environments suffer from a form of imaginative gridlock. He explains that the fear and anxiety prevalent in the medieval Europe - 5th to 15th centuries - often referred to as the Dark Ages (the term now deprecated) due to its intellectual darkness prevented progress and innovation within European society at that time. In his book Friedman argues that leaders must embrace uncertainty and challenge established norms to foster growth. Eric Fromm (1900-1980), German-America social psychologist, a German Jew who fled Nazi regime said, "The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers."

4. Chronic Anxiety: Friedman's book discusses how chronic anxiety within organisations lead to dysfunctional leadership behaviour. Friedman identifies five characteristics of the leadership culture that can hinder effective leadership amongst the teams in the organisation. They include,

i) reactivity i.e. automatic and/or emotional responses presented from the leader,

ii) herding i.e. pressure imposed by the leader and consequently by team members on others for conformity,

iii) blame displacement i.e. avoiding personal responsibility and defaulting to blaming circumstances or others,

iv) quick-fix mentality i.e. where the culture of the organisation prioritizes fixing symptoms over causes, and

v) lack of functional leadership i.e. dependency on the least mature members, often hierarchical based rather than observable leadership skills and disposition.

5. Data Overload: Friedman critiques the obsession with data in leadership, arguing that an overemphasis on information can stifle decisiveness. In his book Friedman advocates for leaders to focus on their own judgment and presence rather than getting lost in data. "Don't labour forever over the question of how or if you can do it. Studies have shown that the most successful people make decisions rapidly because they are clear on their values and what they really want for their lives" said Tony Robbins, America author and motivational speaker.

Here’s a story of Alan Mullaly, former CEO of Boeing and Ford between 2006 and 2014. He related his personal story in one of his many presentations on leadership pointing out that he wasn’t always calm and authentic. I've embedded (in italics) Friedman's five experiential concepts in Mullaly's career experiences below.

Allan Mullaly (Source: Inc 5000 from Internet)

When Alan Mullaly was early in his management career, he said that he tried to fit into Boeing’s then command-and-control culture. He tried to act tough with other people and attempted to be the person that he thought others wanted him to be [Friedman's explanation for Chronic Anxiety]. Finally, with coaching, he gave up pretending and determined to be himself [Understanding the Emotional Process]. Mullaly admitted that his true self was calm and easy going. He added, “I’ve been in that anxious place, trying to be something that I thought others wanted me to be. More times than I want to remember in my career, I’ve lost myself as I’ve absorbed the anxiety of the moment and the people around me [Leading to Imaginative Gridlock]. This has resulted in pretending, defending, posturing, and reacting [Data Overload stifles decision making]. Eventually I realized, “I am who I am,” and it’s not worth trying to anxiously react to pressure [Having the Presence of the Leader].”

It is the leader’s job to help others maintain a non-anxious presence.

The key to building a culture of non-anxious presence is for the leader to have goal clarity, in other words what the leader values. Leaders with non-anxious presence know what’s important to them and what’s not important to them. They understand what defines their value so that they can regulate their reactions to other people. They can be separate from other people (their opinions, expectations and anxieties) while remaining connected.

Here are some historical figures who have demonstrated non-anxious presence:

• Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) who as 16th President of the United Stated maintained calm, steady demeanour while managing immense pressure and divisiveness during the American Civil War (April 1861 to May 1865).

• Nelson Mandela (1918-2013) who exhibited calm, patient, and reconciling presence, even after spending 27 years in prison. He served as South Africa's first Black president from 1994 to 1999.

• Christopher Columbus (1451-1506), Italian explorer and navigator was highlighted as a leader who kept focused on his goal to find a westward sea route from Genoa across the Atlantic Ocean to Asia, despite the mutiny of his crew and potential catastrophe.

• Winston Churchill (1874-1965), British statesman, military officer and twice-serving Prime Minister who provided a steady, inspiring presence for the British people during the chaos of World War II.

• Paul the Apostle (5 AD-64 AD), also known as Saul prior to his conversant to Christianity. Paul demonstrated his non-anxious presence when a violent storm hit the ship while others panicked. As a prisoner on route to Rome, he stayed calm and decisive when he spoke to the captain and Roman solders on board the vessel. The story of the shipwreck is told in The Bible, in Acts 27:13-44. Paul is quoted as saying, "And because of you, God will save the lives of everyone on the ship. Cheer up! I am sure that God will do exactly what he promised." After the storm had subsided, Paul encouraged the sailors to eat. It is written in verses 35-36, "Then in front of everyone, he broke the bread and ate some. They all felt encouraged, and each of them ate something." The story is told that Captain Julius of the ship saved Paul's life and did not let the soldiers do what they had planned. They ended up swimming to shore supported by planks of wood. All 276 people on board safely reached the shores of Malta.

A bird flying in a storm - a metaphor for non-anxious presence (Source: Unsplash)

The closing message from Friedman's book A Failure of Nerve reinforces his central premise that leadership, in any scenario of life - at home, the workplace, in community groups - is less about technique and more about emotional maturity and courage. It is only with these that we can demonstrate non-anxious presence in the groups we are in.