Caregiving Is A Heartfelt Calling

Seven years ago, on the 15th of July 2018, a Sunday, my mother got herself ready to go to the early morning church service with her grandson. My father had passed away 12 years earlier so mum was quite settled in her routine of walking to church each Sunday morning or whenever she felt like doing so during the week. Though often she would go by herself, that morning she had her grandson to accompany her. It was only a short walk, perhaps 300 metres from her home in East Victoria Park, a suburb in Perth, Western Australia.

View from mum's house towards the street as she starts her walk to church

My brother and I were living interstate at the time, but our three sisters were residents of Perth with their respective families.

That Sunday was a day that changed our lives.

The first thing I knew about an incident involving mum in church was a phone call I received from my sister advising that mum was taken to hospital. During the course of the week however, I learnt that she had slumped towards her grandson and fell into semi-consciousness while in church. The ambulance was called and from there mum was taken to hospital.

Initially we thought that her fainting episode was caused by an imbalance in her ears as she was a little hard-of-hearing. However, after a series of tests over the following days my sisters were given the diagnosis that mum had a malignant tumour at the bottom lobe of her brain.

All the time while mum was in hospital my sisters had taken on the responsibilities of conversing with the medical staff, looking after mum in hospital and seeing to the maintenance of her house. Mum saw to it’s maintenance by herself when she was at home. I remember on an earlier trip to Perth (without telling us) she was out mowing the front lawn. She was well into her 80s then. She would prune her roses, dig the ground for planting and trim the bushes. She was fiercely independent.

Mum was also a very strong woman. She grew up in Malacca at the time of the Japanese occupation of Malaysia during World War II. She was the eldest girl with four brothers. One older and three younger than her. They were orphaned when she was in her teens. Eventually moving to Singapore after getting married to my dad, they had five children. In 1970, in their late 30s mum and dad with five children in tow migrated to Perth.

After receiving the call from my sister that mum had malignant cancer which required serious treatment, Jenny and I decided to fly to Perth to see her in hospital. This was a couple of weeks after mum had been admitted to hospital. There was still no indication at that time how long mum had to live and what the future would be. We stayed at her home, with my sister, who lived close by, visiting us daily. However, while we stayed there, we soon learnt that things were very serious with the medical staff advising my sisters that we had to prepare for and consider palliative care for mum.

Mum knew of her prognosis and one thing she wanted the most was to be taken home as she did not want to stay in hospital any longer than necessary. By this stage she was extremely feeble and needed to get around in a wheelchair. Even with her condition and knowing the possible finality of the cancer she still had that radiant smile and sense of serenity about her. I believe her faith sustained her throughout. Still concerned for her children she would often ask, even from her sick bed, if we had eaten.

Mum with her palliative nurse at her home

While mum was in hospital, preparations like installing a wheelchair accessible ramp and setting up a medical bed were being made for her return. This was around mid-August. We were there for a short while before having to return to Melbourne. While we were there, she welcomed many visitors from her church, relatives, and the palliative care nurses. Mum was happy to see them all when she was not resting.

It was after Jenny and I had left that the loving, often hard and tireless caring work of mum's caregivers became a major part of mum's life. Quite a number of people were involved, mostly my sisters and a couple of very close relatives. They did a wonderful job of seeing to all her needs right up to when she passed away peacefully to be with her beloved husband in their eternal home with God. She was surrounded with loved ones on that evening of 23rd September 2018. It was this quote which exemplified her caregivers’ efforts, "Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn't know possible."

I remember staying with mum one afternoon after she had arrived home from hospital. And while I was not fully providing caregiving, I was there for a brief time in case she needed something while my sister and Jenny where out. Just that brief moment with mum at home was 'unfamiliar territory' for me. During happier times when I was with her, usually on holidays from Melbourne, she would prepare a simple meal or my favourite dessert and we would chat about all sorts of things, like the grandchildren, my work, the things happening in her neighbourhood, family news and so forth. This time however was a little sombre with nothing much to talk about. I was there just ensuring that her needs were met. It was about gently holding her, getting her into her wheelchair and guiding her to where she wanted to go.

Mum and I during happier times at her home

After that experience, I can only imagine the work caregivers provide to the people they are looking after, even the most basic of needs.

It is for this reason that I decided to write this essay acknowledging the efforts of caregivers. When I came across the following five points of what a caregiver needed to do to prepare themselves, having experienced a little myself and knowing the challenges that my sisters went through, I thought others need to know, because one day we may end up caring for a sick or aging loved one.

This quote by Rosalyn Carter is quite profound. She says, "I like to say that there are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who need caregivers."

The story is told of American journalist Beth Witrogen McLeod who had succumbed to clinical depression following her parents’ deaths five weeks apart in a nursing home twelve hundred miles away from where she lived. McLeod bemoan saying "By ignoring my physical and mental health, I set myself up for a breakdown that would take two years to recover from. Despite its rewards, caregiving can be overwhelming."

The five essentials that a caregiver needs to consider are:

1. Set boundaries. If you are a sole caregiver, or even if there are two of you who are caregiving, the feeling of enormity can cause you to feel like you're having to carry the whole caregiving load on your shoulders. While it may be love for the care recipient that drives you to look after their welfare, there will be occasions when as a caregiver you will need to learn to say no, rather than the routine affirmation to do things. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself so you can give the best possible care to someone else. Especially someone you love. As my sister recently shared with me, using a full bottle of water as a metaphor. As caregivers or parents, we are continuing having to pour out water for our children, our loved ones, our care recipients. If we don't stop to refill ourselves, we will not be able to sustain ourselves and others as we become empty of the water they need.
   

2. Beware of harmful coping patterns. Many who are caring for others, whether they be in the medical field, or counsellors, first responders or caregivers at home can easily fall into the trap of resorting to harmful coping practices or harmful substances to pep themselves up. Misusing medication, overeating, drinking ‘to take the edge off’ can easily be something caregivers find themselves doing especially as these are quite accessible. To avoid these harmful coping mechanisms, consider such things as exercise, hobbies or journalling. Or as the apostle Paul wrote, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." (Phil 4:8)

   
   

3. Don’t isolate. The worst thing that a caregiver could do is go it alone and be a "Lone Ranger" in their caregiving capacity. Invite some friends over who have volunteered to help. One can cook and care for your loved one while you and another friend take some time off, like walking or cycling. It is said that there's a difference between privacy and isolation. Keep your relationships private but don't isolate yourself from friends and family that they don't hear you scream in a time of need.
   

4. Ask for help. Everybody needs help. It is especially true when caregiving. There can be days when either, (a) the work effort in looking after your loved one gets so demanding that one person isn't enough or (b) you the caregiver don't feel that you can perform at your peak either mentally or physically, perhaps due to ill health or fatigue. These are situations when help may be required. There may also be instances when volunteers are struggling to meet their responsibilities. It is imperative before things get out of hand and relationships become frayed that those responsible of caregiving sensitively call a meeting, reevaluate tasks or seek help elsewhere. Not only will this help settle any differences between volunteers, but it will also avoid causing anxiety should your care recipient hear of these issues.
   

   

   Asking for help, via a simple note between caregivers will ensure that the care recipient receives the best care possible.

5. Protect your time. If you are a fulltime caregiver, it is easy to schedule every minute with nothing left over for yourself. It is unwise to be doing this. While there is virtue in work, there is also virtue in rest. It is said, use both and overlook neither. Find something that feeds you: read, pray, meditate on Scripture, exercise, or enjoy some solitude. And what’s more, schedule it, or it won’t happen!

   
   

In summary caregiving is not just a job. Caregiving is a heartfelt calling to care for our family, friends, or even strangers. In the journey of caring for others, we must always remember the importance that love and compassion play. As a Christian, as was my mum, I believe that caregivers, reflect God’s heart for humanity when caregivers provide their time, support, and kindness. It is not just about fulfilling responsibilities, but about genuinely connecting with others, understanding their feelings, and offering comfort. We are called to be compassionate just as God is compassionate, which strengthens our capacity to provide care wholeheartedly. When we operate from a place of love, we help to heal not just others, but ourselves as well.