Experiencing Grief
- Steven Pereira
- Oct 1
- 8 min read
I am sure we have all been to at least one funeral service in our lifetime. It was after attending a funeral yesterday that I decided to write this essay. I attended the funeral in support of a family friend who had lost a parent. Over the last eighteen months Jenny and I would have attended more funerals than we can remember. It seems almost as if there was a funeral on average every second month. I commented that we are in the stage of our lives when we will be attending more funerals than attending children's birthday parties, as we did when we were younger. Having said that, some of the funerals we attended were not for senior citizens, as it would be typically, but of young people.
When we had our children Jessica and Jonathan, we would be invited to many children's birthday parties. They would either be family members or friends' children, or children from Sunday School or school. And because of the number of friends we had around our age group, there would be a birthday party almost every weekend. If not to attend, it was having to drop the children off to their friend's birthday party. Then as these children grew up, there would be the inevitable milestone birthdays which we were invited to, for example 16th birthdays, 18th birthdays and 21st birthdays.
The season of celebrating birthdays would then be followed by the season of wedding invitations. While we do still receive wedding invitations, it is not at the frequency when our family friends' children, nieces and nephews were getting married.
We do still receive invitations to birthdays however they are mainly from our friends who have achieved a milestone in their own lives like a 60th birthday or a 70th birthday or a milestone wedding anniversary.
The Book of Ecclesiastes succinctly captures the inevitable 'cycle of life' this way. In Chapter 3 verse 1-2 it says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die." With that said, Jenny and I have come to the season when attending funerals is now more frequent than it was previously.
Whether they be parents of our friends, siblings of friends or even spouses, these events are open for anyone to attend. No invitations are required when it comes to funeral services. Death seems to open the door for friends or foe, family or acquaintances, and even prodigals to return to these solemn events. Paying their last respects to the departed or supporting the family in grief is why many people attend funerals.
While a funeral is often a sombre occasion, with attendees customarily dressed in black or a theme colour requested by the grieving family, in some cultures the colour of mourning, especially for the women attending is white. Having attended diverse cultural and religious funerals over the years, some funerals are very 'heavy' with sadness, involving uncontrollable weeping and wailing. The music, if played is melancholic and the mourning is very palpable. Other times funerals are more celebratory, albeit sad for those mourning the loss of a loved one. While the music, hymns, and songs sung are appropriate for the occasion, the lyrics speaks of the departed rejoicing in the presence of God, particularly when the funeral is in a religious setting. With some funerals however, a football club anthem or a favourite secular or cultural song of the departed would be played.
For clarity when used in this essay, I have defined grief as the internal emotional response to a loss, encompassing feelings such as sadness, anger, and guilt. Mourning on the other hand refers to the external expressions of that grief which can include rituals, behaviours, or social practices.
While some faiths believe in reincarnation or transmigration into a different form or body, some monotheistic religions - and specifically speaking of mine - believe that the identity and recognition of the dead continue after death. In the Christian Bible it is said that believers in Jesus Christ, who himself conquered death and rose from the dead are promised reunion with those who have died who in life had professed Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. And though their resurrected bodies are different (being in a glorious form) it will still be recognizable, as reflected in Holy Scripture. This belief provides family members at a Christian funeral, though sad at the passing of their loved one, the hope of a future reunion if they continue in the faith. In these instances, the mourning of the loved one is often less demonstrable than it would otherwise be as in some other funeral settings.
While many families will have a belief system and a community who can bring comfort and solace, irrespective of the rituals and social practices conducted, we cannot ignore those experiencing grief. Each person will react, behave and express their sadness and grief in different ways.
It is interesting that the subject of grief, involving grief therapy, grief counselling, and the healing of grief is a huge and major mental health subject in psychology. It has even been suggested that the healing of grief, especially in the loss of a loved one is psychologically traumatic in the same way as physiological trauma from being severely wounded or burned. In the book Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, by J. William Worden, the psychiatrist and internist [a medical specialist in internal diseases] George Engel postulated that grief represents a departure from a healthy state and well-being. And just as healing is necessary in the physiological realm in order to bring the body back to a level of internal stability, a period of time is similarly needed to return the person who is grieving to a state of psychological equilibrium. The degree of grief a person experiences - which could range from uncomplicated grief to complicated grief - will considerably impact the period of psychological healing.
Extrapolating this further it is said that just as the process of physiological healing is required to restore full functionality, or near full functionality, the process of healing the grieving person is the same. Engel suggests in his article published in Psychosomatic Medicine that on some occasions full functionality may not be restored. As incidents of impaired function or inadequate healing may be the result in a physiological situation, the same outcome may occur even after addressing the mourning process. Engels sees that the medical therapeutic course can take time for restoration of full functionality.
Can we ever say when mourning is finished? There is no ready answer, as it’s like asking, “How high is high?" There is one school of thought which says that mourning is finished when a person completes the final mourning phase of restitution. In fact, Worden suggest that mourning is finished when the tasks of mourning have been accomplished. However, he adds that it is impossible to set a definitive date for this end. While some literature attempts to set dates like 4 months, 1 year, 2 years and never, Worden sets one benchmark of mourning moving to completion. He says it is when the person is able to think of the deceased loved one without pain. While there is still a sense of sadness when thinking of someone you have loved and lost, it's a different kind of sadness Worden says. He adds that there is no manifestation of intense crying or feeling tightness in the chest. Another benchmark of mourning moving to completion is when a person can reinvest his or her emotions into life and in the living. That's when people regain an interest in life, feel more hopeful, experience gratification again, and adapt to new roles.
In the counselling course I completed some years ago, we learnt about providing support to the person who is grieving. It is important to recognise that someone who is going through mourning has an insatiable need to talk - to go over events surrounding the loss again and again. While some people may be the opposite, encouragement to share memories of the deceased loved one, both happy and sad, can help actualise the loss.
Other practical ways for a person who is grieving to consider adopting in their move from the mourning process to completion as suggested in the Australian Institute of Family Counselling course unit reader Provide Loss and Grief Support are:
Keeping a journal - For many people writing down their thoughts and feelings can be most therapeutic. It also helps to chart the ups and downs and to observe progress over time.
Writing a letter to the deceased - If the death was sudden and there is unfinished business of some sort (such as unforgiveness), this can be most helpful.
Preparing a scrapbook - The preparation of a memory book is a special way in which family members can participate in a shared activity, particularly if there are children who have lost a parent or sibling through death. The photo montage played at a funeral is another collective way to share this.
Dealing with irrational thinking - Sometimes after a significant loss, the bereaved person succumbs to such irrational thoughts as ‘I’ll never be loved again’. The counsellor can help a person deal with such thoughts, although the timing to help is important.
Joining a support group - Support groups offer participants the opportunity to know they are not alone; they can identify with those who have had a similar experience. Other benefits include opportunities for an emotional outlet, guidance, hope, the development of trust, helping others, and dealing with issues of meaning.
Some of you reading this essay may have just come out of your own mourning process, while others may still be experiencing grief. I remember, in our grief counselling unit the class was taught to practice active listening skills when counselling clients. Further, we were taught to sensitively challenge, at the appropriate time the thought processes of the person going through grief counselling. I learnt then the importance of giving hope to the person who is in the mourning process. These words of Jesus captured in the Scripture text often referred to as The Beatitudes provide such hope, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
While creating a memorial is important, it’s more important to build on the loved one's legacy. The latter being more life giving and fulfilling. For example, if you were in business with your spouse who has died, ask yourself the question about what he or she would want you to do? If it is to continue and build the business, then you have given yourself the incentive and motivation to continue investing in your spouse’s legacy. Another example is if your loved one left a beautiful garden or even a fruit tree, would you let it grow wild and unmanaged? Probably not. You may want to nurture and keep it growing as a legacy. Not only will your work in the garden be rewarding, but live-in family members will also enjoy the experience when tending the garden with you. There are many more ways in regaining life after experiencing grief.
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, physician, a long-term survivor of chronic illness, and author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, provides a pragmatic view to grieving. She writes, "Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become part of who you are and build again."
"Death seems to open the door for friends or foe" - I like this sentence 😄